I have struggled with the relationship with my mother for a long time. Since the age of 9, when my parents divorced, I felt like it was my job to take care of her emotional needs. What I remember is that she seemed to be crying all of the time, she was alone, and I became her sounding board. For decades, I took on that role. She used to call me her “little counselor.” It took me a very long time to recognize how unhealthy that was and that I needed to establish some boundaries. My personal work truly began in the care of an attuned swap partner and a beautiful EFT practitioner, both deeply rooted in trauma-informed support. And let me tell you, patience and persistence have paid off!
Inner Child Work and Polyvagal Theory
According to Polyvagal Theory, by Dr. Stephen Porges, our nervous system has a "ladder" of responses. At the top is Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection). In the middle is Sympathetic (Fight or Flight). At the very bottom is Dorsal Vagal (Immobilization). As I connected with my inner child around these issues with my mother, I recognized that my 9-year-old self was in a Dorsal Vagal state. She was frozen and numb; like a deer in headlights. With the support of my practitioner, I sat with my inner child, connected with her, allowed her space and support while she was in that frozen state. At times it seemed she was starting to feel, but then the next time I connected with her she was frozen again.
The key takeaway from this part of my healing was the patience and persistence it took to simply connect with her, to be with her, not trying to force anything, but allowing her the time she needed to feel safe enough to FEEL again. And once she started to feel again, I noticed layers of emotions. She had finally moved up the ladder to the Sympathetic state. It felt like I was witnessing her grief for the first time. First, she felt this immense sadness and loss of her family unit. I sat with her through lots of tears and held her in my arms as I tapped. Again, not trying to force anything to change. Simply being with her so she wasn’t alone.
As I worked toward establishing boundaries with my mother, the next layer of emotion for my little one was guilt. The thought of saying “no” to my mother had my inner child saying, “but she’s my mother. If I don’t take care of her, who will?” Again, I sat with her, with her feelings, with the weight of that responsibility on her shoulders. We tapped, we allowed, we connected, and we talked. I would end each session taking her with me, but inevitably she found her way back with my mother as we continued this work.
Finally, we found our way to anger. Anger was not a safe emotion for me as a child. In fact, I was wondering if we would ever get there and we did! Let me tell you, she threw one heck of a tantrum! Stomping, grunting, screaming, fists pounding. And I let her. In fact, I cheered her on while she was leaning into the anger. At one point, I could see myself stomping with her, mimicking her actions. It was beautiful and felt like a significant moment in my healing. She eventually collapsed on the floor after expending all of that energy. I held her and shared how brave I thought she was for showing me her feelings. I told her how proud I was of her and celebrated her vulnerability.
The Real Life Test
It wasn’t long after that when I saw my mother. She needed help getting out of her house after a big winter storm. Helping her with physical labor felt completely fine. It was always the emotional support that felt overwhelming. We stayed and visited for a bit and when we left, she hugged me, said she loved me and cried like she usually does. I sensed that she was upset over me pulling away, setting boundaries, and not being closer emotionally.
This was the moment that I noticed how neutral I felt about it. I didn't feel the urge to fix her., nor guilty that I didn't want to be closer to her. I felt strong in my resolve that she's not mine to fix. That journey belongs to her. I checked in with my inner child to see how she was doing. She didn’t want to stay with my mother. She was happy to be leaving with me where she felt safe and connected (Ventral Vagal); where she knew that I would take care of my own emotional needs and she could be a kid.
Kathleen Weber is an Advanced EFT Practitioner
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