This is part 3 of the article. Read part 1 and part 2.
The strict discipline part of Maya didn't change completely or quickly. It had evolved to try and get the approval and emotional connection for Maya that she so needed, and to try and avoid harsh judgement in an environment where both tasks were close to impossible. Yes, it had understood that Maya and her environment were different now, that it no longer needed to be strict to protect her. And, like most parts that have spent a long time trying to protect us from suffering or danger, it was hard for it to believe things had really changed and would stay changed. Whenever stress was high in Maya's life it might come forward, trying hard to make things better for her in the only way it knew how: by trying to judge Maya into more discipline – especially about when she got up.
Finding compassion
Maya had been dealing with a difficult and painful family situation. She felt most stressed in the mornings, and had started snapping at people. I asked more about the mornings, and she told me every day started with disappointment: even if she got up at 6, she should be getting up at 5. As we tapped with the disappointment, the feeling changed to anger at the 'should'. As we tapped with that, Maya identified that she didn't get up (even) earlier because she had a fear of being tired, which she then changed to a hatred of being tired. So, here was one reason the 'lazy rascal' part stopped her getting up (even) earlier.
Being tired reminded Maya of those days as a teenager, always tired from getting up so early, never receiving approval, only disappointment and criticism. We tapped with the compassion Maya felt for that teenager, and for herself now – no wonder she had a hatred of being tired, no wonder she was snappish after meeting herself every morning with disappointment. Maya then said she wanted to be kinder and gentler and more loving to herself in the mornings, and if she could do that, she felt she'd be much more likely to be that way with others, too. She could, and she was.
Conclusions
As Maya says, when she started on her spiritual path, she was coming from a shattered childhood. She therefore absorbed the messages she received at that time, both implicit and explicit, very deeply. The 'lazy rascal' and 'strict discipline' parts were deep-rooted ways of responding to that situation in the best way she could at the time.
The 'lazy rascal', in not letting Maya get up early, was trying to avoid the tiredness that brought so many bad feelings with it. It was also registering legitimate protest at the unreasonable expectations that had been put on a traumatised and still-developing young body-mind. It carried Maya's hidden anger at the way she'd been treated, and when Maya named and expressed that anger, it brought increasing trust that her own experience and understanding was valid, even if it differed from what she was told.
The 'strict discipline' part was trying to avoid the very painful experience of rejection that had come when she didn't adhere to the leaders' strict standards. It was also trying to bring her closer to God, as she'd been told only strict discipline could do. Both parts led us to the pain held by the wounded 16-year-old in Maya, so that we could bring compassion and reassurance to her.
This part of Maya's experience ebbed and flowed as a presence in our sessions, weaving in and out of other challenges and difficult memories. We meet now and then as things come up, and we both notice that self-compassion (often difficult for trauma survivors) has become increasingly possible for Maya to access, both inside and outside of sessions. It's a pleasure and an honour to accompany her.
A final note
Challenges related to intensely upsetting experiences are rarely a 'one and done' piece of work. We may find ourselves returning many times to a situation that was painful, each time connecting with different specific details that are only now ready to bear our gentle attention. If it isn't getting somewhat lighter or easier each time, then we need to back right up: go (much) slower, be (much) more gentle, maybe contain the experience (much) more with 'boxing' or other techniques, before getting specific.
If it is getting lighter, but we feel like we're doing the same thing over and over, it's helpful to notice the perhaps very small differences (such as a different word used to describe something we've described before, or an image that seems clearer, more important, or different than it did before), staying present with patience and compassion for what arises.
Article by Roushan Martens, Accredited Certified Advanced EFT Practitioner
Photo by Miranda Yeung on Unsplash
Share Your Comments & Feedback