Working with my client with food addiction and obsession recently was an amazing process. She was able to completely eliminate food obsession after many years of it and what do you think happened?
She became aware of problems in her marriage.
Not a surprise to me but it was to her. You see, so often we "stuff down" with food and our obsession with food, all of the other feelings and problems in our life. In other words, it becomes easier to suppress feelings than to feel them. After a while its just a vicious cycle and we don't know how to deal with feelings when we have them. It is easier to focus on food, our bodies, a problem... I see it all the time and of course I've done it.
So this woman had been used to not speaking up about things that were not working for her. In fact she didn't even realize things weren't working for her until she had released the food obsession though coaching, tapping and nutrition work with me.
Suddenly she realized she hated how her husband was behaving towards her. She had many reasons she believed why he did what he did, and ALL of it had to be because he didn't love or value her. (Are you sensing a trigger here? I am...)
The key to the issue
She had made an assumption about how he felt about her based on his actions that may or may not have been true. But being triggered emotionally, it was all we could see. From this assumption there was nowhere else to go, but out of the relationship she was thinking.
Step One: Release the triggers or painful emotions
Step Two: Ask good questions to start to think of what else might be possible in the situation, to see a new possibility
Releasing the triggers, tapping for the issue
We tapped on her specific feelings about the relationship and how she thought he felt about her. It was a very personal issue but the tapping went something like this:
Even though I feel that X doesn't care about me at all or he wouldn't do that... I choose to accept myself and my feelings about all of this..."
"Even though I am just totally pissed off... I accept all of my feelings and myself"
"Even though I can't believe he could do that and that means xyz about men in general... I love and accept myself and my feelings"
We tapped through the points for a good half hour on all the feelings involved and variations to the feelings in the above statements until she was able to get some relief from being so angry.
Then we looked for another possibility.
Asking good questions with tapping
Even though I still feel a little pissed off and think X has poor intentions and doesn't care for me... what if he does?
"Even though I'm not sure his intentions and I think they suck, what if he loves me too and is just trying to get love from me too and has his own way of coming at it with me? "
"Even though I'm not sure what the heck he is doing, and I feel like he doesn't get it...and I just want to feel closer to him... what if he's feeling the same?"
We tapped through the points with the new possibility that both of them wanted the exact same thing- to be closer and to love one another- but were coming at it very differently. As men and women often do!
She had a realization that he loved her, of course he did but didn't know how to be closer to her either. She realized too that she loved him very much but was choosing to see something in a certain way and what if it wasn't really the case?
In coaching we talked about ways to speak to him and start a conversation where there was no blaming, shaming or anger but asking for what she wanted and needed while appreciating what she did love about him.
In relationships a sure way to make someone NOT want to work something out is to come at them in anger and blame. Sounds obvious, but I think when we are triggered it is impossible to do. We can't think clearly and we are merely dumping on our partner. Not good.
Once she could think clearly by removing her trigger she could decide how to talk to him and actually ask for what she wanted and needed with love and kindness.... and even appreciation for him.
She came back to me the next session in awe. She had talked to him while feeling love and appreciation instead of anger and blame and realized he DID want exactly what she wanted and would do anything to be closer to her too! They both wanted the exact same thing as I suspected but were just approaching it differently and of course, being triggered by each other.
They got closer from this situation and both won. I think they might even have gotten their great sex life back.
San Francisco, California, US
From the EFTfree Archives, which are now a part of EFT International .
Originally published on June 9, 2012.