How to Repair Attachment with EFT

Some people seem to have it easy in life. They feel at ease with people they haven’t met. They are comfortable with groups. They have no problem being alone. When a relationship ends, they are able to find an inner resilience to pick themselves back up and start again. They just seem at ease with themselves. To be resilient to stress and create intimate relationships with ourselves and others, we need to look all the way back to our early years. The manner in which we developed relationships with our most important caregivers carry a long legacy throughout our adult lives. The ways in which we received or did not receive attention, affection and have our basic needs met, drew out the blueprints of our adult relationship with ourselves and others.

We are all born with an innate drive to survive that shows up as finding and holding onto an adult that will take care of us. Unlike most other mammals, we need caregivers to help us for years before we are capable of surviving on our own. The many spoken and unspoken ways that a caregiver interacts with an infant, primarily non-verbally, as in the amount and quality of physical contact, the tone and inflection of voice, the use of facial gestures, all go a long way in using a healthy social engagement system.

Attachment Theory

One form of analysis of the qualities and characteristics of this bonding is known as Attachment Theory. There are four classic attachment styles: Secure, Insecure-Anxious, Insecure-Dismissive (aka Avoidant), and Fearful-Avoidant (aka Disorganized). Please note that these all lie on a spectrum, though one style is often dominant.

A secure child will get distressed when their caregiver leaves them. When the caregiver returns, the child will run towards them. The child is then easily soothed and calmed. The caregiver is emotionally available and regulates the child’s negative and positive emotional states. This infant has a sensitively attuned mother, which supports the infant in feeling safe exploring the environment as well as seeking solace and safety from mother. This is something the child comes to trust – that I have someone to turn to when I feel bad. The child learns that they can depend on others and in turn they are more comfortable with others depending on them.

An insecure-anxious child will also get distressed when their caregiver leaves them and may also run to them when they return. However, they aren’t as easily calmed down or soothed. They have lost the trust that their caregiver will return and take care of them. They may appear to be resentful and angry when their caregiver attempts to soothe them.

An insecure-avoidant child might not ever be aware of when their caregivers have left. Measurements in heart rate and cortisol levels in these children have shown that they might still be under a great deal of distress. They don’t seem to care when the caregiver returns. This infant has experienced a loss of attachment, or perhaps the mother is not attuned to the infant's needs and expressions, which leads the infant to respond as if efforts at seeking safety or solace will go unmet. One common consequence is inhibited emotional and physical expression.

A fearful-avoidant child will have the most difficult time because their caregiver often frightens the child in some way. This may be a serious dilemma for the child as they experience feeling trapped – the very person they rely on for survival makes them feel unsafe to be around. The caregiver may have been erratic, neglectful or even abusive in emotional or physical ways.

Adult Manifestations

The secure adult will likely tend to be positive about themselves and positive about others that they are in relationships with. As a rule of thumb they don’t tend to be afraid that others won’t like them. They feel comfortable giving and receiving love. Secure adults tend to have few problems with being alone/independent or being intimate with others.

The insecure anxious adult tends to crave intimacy and might be less likely to take things slow in a relationship. Due to fears and insecurity about themselves they might feel anxious and rely heavily on their object of attachment (i.e. new partner) to make them feel whole. They might be overly sensitive to what is happening in a relationship and might blame themselves for any problems.

An insecure avoidant adult might be more likely to end a relationship pre-maturely even when things seem to be going well. They crave independence, often don’t like talking about their feelings, and are not comfortable relying on others. They tend to be more negative in speaking about their partners and value themselves more than they value others.

An insecure disorganized adult can typically express both anxious and avoidant behaviors. They commonly have mixed feelings about intimacy and relationships. They also might have both negative feelings about themselves and their partners.

Studies show that the brain is wired for change and its neuroplastic qualities are just what are needed for changing decades of neural patterns. For adults, re-wiring a healthy attachment style requires developing a deep sense of safety with another person. Repair can happen in a therapeutic relationship or a healthy personal one.

Can tapping assist this process?

Absolutely. Being able to learn to self-regulate oneself through tapping is a critical skill. Exploring current relationship difficulties and neutralizing them with tapping will often be the starting point that works its way backwards to the problem's origins.

To work directly on an event that confirm our beliefs about ourselves and others, EFT can be incredibly helpful. By going to those negative events you can quickly target the erroneous beliefs that you form as a result. Advanced techniques like Parts Work or Matrix Reimprinting helps practitioners to guide clients to form healthier attachment within themselves. By seeing your inner child being loved and cared for by you while in the process of Matrix, you can start to mitigate the wounds of poor attachment.

Alina Frank

EFT Master Trainer of Trainers training and mentoring practitioners since 2006. Contributing author of 8 EFT books. Author of How to Want Sex: Using EFT to Rekindle Your Passion. Co-director of EFT MBA: Marketing and Business Academy for EFT Coaches www.eftmba.com. Organizer of annual NW Tappers Gathering, raising over thousands of dollar for continuing EFT research. Matrix Reimprinting trainer since 2011. Producer of the Science of Tapping documentary. Director of EFT Relationship Coach Certification www.eftrelationshipcoach.com EFT and Matrix Training website www.efttappingtraining.com. Member of Training and Accreditation Board at EFT International.