According to Transactional Analysis theory, I'm not ok, you are ok is one of the four life positions that a person can have in relation to oneself and others. In this position a person feels he is not good but the others are good and better than him. He compares himself with others and finds himself inferior to them. He feels the constant need to be recognized and loved by others. He/she does things to gain others' approval and is eager and compliant to the demands of others. This can happen if as a child the person has been subjected to constant reprimands, rejection, unnecessary punishment and blaming by parents. He may not have felt loved and did things to get the love and approval from his parents.
As an adult this can lead to chronic self blame and the need to always please others.
Some of the symptoms of Chronic Self-Blame are :
- Inability to forgive oneself for any mistake
- Recurring negative thoughts about the self
- Engaging in self sabotaging behavior
- Suicidal Thoughts
- Constant unfavorable comparisons with others
- Anger and Hatred towards self
- Tremendous guilt feelings for for mistakes made by others
- Regarding others as superior than self
- Constant need to please others
- Inability to say 'No' to anyone
Consequences could be one or more of the following:
- Inflicting pain or harming oneself deliberately
- Psycho-somatic problems
- Inability to handle relationships
- Difficulty in performing tasks
- Social Phobia
- Addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling etc.
- Getting into abusive relationships
Doing Personal Peace Procedure on early life experiences would be very helpful to uncover some of the core reasons behind self blame.
Make a list of all the negative life events and choose ten most negative life events (memories from your past which still bother you when you think of them vividly). Take each one up and tap on it until it stops bothering you.
Letting go of this tendency towards self blame is not an easy process but it can be achieved by daily EFT application on the following:
Even though I hate my "self," I deeply and completely love and accept msyelf.
Reminder Phrase (RP): This hatred for my "self"
Even though I am not successful/rich/beautiful/... I deeply and completely love and accept myself the way I am.
RP: I am not successful/rich/beautiful/...
Even though I'm always finding faults with myself, I deeply and completely love and FORGIVE myself.
RP: I'm always finding faults with myself
Even though I compare myself with everyone and find myself lacking, I deeply and completely love and FORGIVE myself.
RP: I compare myself with everyone and find myself lacking
Even though I blame myself all the time for ....(not being successful/not being pretty/ not being good enough), I choose to appreciate my ....(replace with one positive attribute that you have)
RP: I choose to appreciate my ....(replace with one positive attribute that you have)
Even though I feel guilty even when its not my mistake, I deeply and completely love and FORGIVE myself.
RP: I feel guilty even when its not my mistake
Even though I have this constant need to please others, seek their approval, I deeply and completely love and Accept myself.
RP: this constant need to please others, seek their approval
Even though I find it hard to love myself, I choose to love myself.
RP: I choose to love myself.
From the EFTfree Archives, which are now a part of EFT International .
Originally published on February 13, 2010.