EFT is a great tool for working with old relationship pains and traumas. I’ve discovered that even with EFT, this can be a long, painful process – unless you start by clearing resistance to releasing those unwanted feelings. Beginning with resistance can make tapping so much more effective, and much less traumatic.
When it comes to relationship issues, resistance to letting go often shows up in these areas:
Blame and Being Right
It has to be someone’s fault, somebody has to be right and somebody has to be wrong. The sense of power of being right (or fear that you weren’t) can cause you to dig your heels in with resistance.
I’m afraid if I release this hurt, I’m saying it’s OK what they did, and it’s not OK.
I’m afraid I’ll weaken my connection to them by letting go of the pain, or anger or sorrow. (Even if it’s an uncomfortable bond, it’s a bond nevertheless.)
Letting go of my feeling means letting go of my fantasies of what might have been and acknowledging that they will never happen. This could be a fantasy about how it could have gone, a fantasy of getting even, of hearing them say they’re sorry.
Resistance can be hard to see because it is often subconscious. But tapping on possible resistance at the beginning of your session has a huge payoff.
If you’re tapping on your own, assume that some of this resistance is going on for you, as well. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make to address resistance right up front. It helps things to release so much faster.
Here’s how you can work with it in your sessions. You just do a resistance setup before doing your usual setup and tapping. I’ll use the name “Tom” in these sample setup phrases. You can substitute any name when you tap:
Even though a part of me does not want to release this old Tom stuff, because I was right and he knows it, I want to love and accept myself anyway.
Even though I don’t want to let go of this Tom stuff because I’m afraid if I do I’ll repeat this pattern, so it doesn’t feel safe to let go of this Tom stuff. But I still want to love and accept myself.
Even though I’m scared to let go of this old pain because what if it means letting go of Tom completely, and the good things we had together, I want to love and accept myself anyway.
Even though I don’t want to let go of this Tom stuff because I don’t know how to untangle my good feelings from my bad feelings, and I’m afraid if I let go of any of them I’ll let go of all of them, I want to love and accept myself anyway.
Even though a part of me is resisting letting this go because I hold Tom accountable for what he did, and I’m afraid if I let this go, I’m saying it’s OK that he did that. That feels like I’m betraying myself, so I don’t want to let it go. But I do want to love and accept myself anyway, because I’m doing the best I can.
Even though a part of me doesn’t want to let go of this Tom stuff, because I don’t want to let go of the hope of fixing it all somehow. It just feels too sad to give up the hope. But I still want to love and accept myself anyway.
Even though I don’t want to let go of this Tom stuff, because he should say he’s sorry and acknowledge his part in it first, and then maybe I’ll let go of it... But I still want to respect myself and all my feelings.
Even though I don’t want to let go of this old Tom stuff, because I don’t know who I’d be without it. It’s a story I’ve told for years, and I don’t know if I want to give that up. But I still want to love and accept myself.
Next, move on to tap away the anger, fear, worry, hurt, regret, blame, sorrow – using a regular kind of EFT format, starting with a usual setup and moving into tapping. Your relationship issues will release so much faster by clearing the resistance first.
Originally published on March 13, 2011.