Do you often feel compelled to DO, and then do some more instead of just … BE? And do you ever pause to consider what is actually ‘enough'? Or do you keep DOing more and more in order to make sure, or feel like you've done enough?
This over-DO-ing compulsion could also be called over-giving. It's a kind of naggy feeling that, no matter what or how hard or how much, what you've done is somehow 'not enough.' I know many who operate according to this belief and are then left exhausted and unsatisfied.
Does this sound familiar? If so, have you ever wondered how old this pattern is? Or how it took root in you?
If this is you, or someone you care about, I invite you to consider the following questions:
- What makes me think I have to do anything special or extraordinary in order to be enough?
- What am I telling myself that all this extra effort will do, mean or give me or others? (I invite you to spend some extra time on this one.)
- If I don’t make the extra effort, what am I telling myself it will mean or cause? What do I think might happen? What do I think others would say?
- Is any of it true? If so, how can I be sure of that?
- What else might also be true, that I am not yet seeing?
- Would that insight actually feel better, less stressful?
- How would I know?
- What would change in my life because of this insight?
Most of us learn implicitly from our relationships, starting with our closest family members. And the earlier we learn, the more deeply embedded and unconscious the pattern.
So how did YOU learn that you have to DO something or DO MORE or EXTRA in order to: relax, feel okay, rest or belong?
Ask yourself the following:
- Did I learn that behavior or feeling from someone or something?
- Did anyone specifically teach me that, or did I observe it? What did I take it to mean?
- Is it possible there is a ‘competition’ of some sort involved with all this?
- What was supposed to happen if I did (or didn’t?) over-do?
- Was this part of my family’s values or expectations?
- What would happen if I began showing up differently?
- What do I need in order to feel confident? Is there a ‘cost’ from choosing my own path? Is it too costly? What does that tell me?
The hyper-focus upon DO-ing is both very human and also very common. We seem to value accomplishment, doing-ness and busy-ness to an absurd degree, creating higher and deeper levels of ‘do-ing’ in order to feel satisfied, safe, worthy or enough. Curiously, we rarely ask ourselves, ‘Enough for who?!’
It turns into a never-ending game of proving ourselves.
If you’re ready to shift this pattern, I invite you to join me in Tapping on this:
- What about this DO-ing is truly most important to me?
- What about this feels most satisfying and authentic to who I really am?
- How can I best simply savor this, to have real emotional connection and meaning?
- What will I take away from this time?
And because Tapping always helps me find clarity AND peace, here’s a handy Tapping prompt to get you started on your own investigations around BE-ing and DO-ing:
Even though I often feel I have to be Doing something in order to be okay or accepted, I recognize it’s just something I learned somewhere …
Although I often feel anxious around others, even family, if I am not Doing something, I acknowledge that this is an old pattern I learned …
I realize how often I stress about what to do, and how much I need to do in order to feel…ok? Calm? Enough?… I see how this stresses me out …
Reminder Phrase Idea: This feeling I have to DO more
What comes to you after just a round or two about how you learned that? And how would you rather feel? What do you need, if anything, in order to get that different feeling? Would you allow yourself to have that? How would you know things have changed?
Let’s Tap some more together:
Even though I’ve always felt l should be Doing more in order to be acceptable or pleasing, I might be ready to see what that’s all about …
Although I think I might hide my nervousness in all that DO-ing, it’s possible it would feel even better NOT to hide …
I’m noticing that, no matter who taught me this, the constant Do-ing keeps me from feeling happy, or even just enjoying the moment …
Reminder Phrase Ideas: Maybe I am ready for better than this. What if I just allowed a moment of BE-ing?
Let's continue Tapping:
I am recognizing that this drive to DO is coming from somewhere outside of me. Who taught me that, and I wonder why?
It’s getting clearer and clearer that this is about BE-ing ‘enough’ - Am I not enough, already? Without all the Doing?
This is a deep pattern – a relentless have-to pattern – And I’m beginning to suspect that it’s not even mine.
Although I often feel not-enough, and try to ‘fix’ that with more Doing… I might be willing to ask if anything really needs fixing… what if I saw it as an old learning instead of as a problem?
Reminder Phrase Ideas: This not-enough feeling. This idea that I need to be fixed. That relentless have-to feeling that’s so familiar.
Breathe in more and more deeply, exhaling more slowly, and then ask yourself,
- What’s that like now?
- What is coming up for me about all this?
Take stock of where you are now.
And ask yourself:
What will I notice, when I start feeling I am ENOUGH?
And to everyone, everywhere, it is ‘Enough’ to simply BE.
Jondi Whitis is an Accredited, Certified Advanced Practitioner, Master Trainer & Trainer of Trainers, with a private practice in Georgia, and long history in NYC, USA. She is passionate about co-creating excellent practitioners, mentors and trainers. A member of the EFTI Training Board and member of the ACEP Humanitarian Committee, an original member of the EFT Guild-USA and the founder of the Spring Energy Event/TapFest/TappingStar gatherings and communities, she's a natural leader in community-making and group facilitation.